Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Review: "What to Expect" Induces Nausea


Like any savvy pregnant chick would, I trolled my iPhone's app store for cool pregnancy applications. I know there's a chance that my embryo won't be viable, so instead of downloading tons of apps that I would have to later delete if I lost the baby, I went for the free "What to Expect" Pregnancy Tracker app. (Ya know, based on that ridiculously popular book that compares fetuses to fruit.)

So I haven't had any morning sickness or crazy mood swings with my pregnancy (yet) but this application is starting to induce them.

According to the tracking calendar, I'm in the beginning of my 7th week, and already my embryo has been described as a future "prince (or princess)". It has already been the size of a poppy seed, then an orange seed, then a sweet pea, and is now moving into the blueberry phase. They've alluded to the bond between mother and child being built that we will last a lifetime and given me the image of cradling my baby in my arms.

HELLO?? What if I have a miscarriage?  Is it really appropriate for the quintessential pregnancy book to force such emotional language on us before we've even been to the doctor to see if our pregnancy is viable?

It just seems so wrong to me.

Well, I go to the doctor next Wednesday. I will find out then if the little blueberry has a heartbeat.  THEN I will feel comfortable "oohing" and "aahing" over my soon-to-be baby.

Here are some of my favorite sickeningly sweet quotes seem just a little too presumptuous. My emphasis added...

From Week 4, just after fertilization: "Your baby has found its home -- your uterous. Once there, it burrows into your uterine lining and implants -- making that unbreakable connection to you that'll last the next eight months (and a lifetime after that)."

From Week 5, when most women take a pregnancy test: "One of the first systems to be operational is the circulatory...along with its companion organ: the heart. Your baby's heart is made up of two tiny channels called heart tubes...When those tubes fuse together, your baby will have a fully functioning heart (though it almost certainly already has a grip on yours)."  "In fact, you're fewer than eight months away from holding a real prince (or princess) in your arms."

From Week 6, when the baby is the size of a pea: "During fetal development, practitioners measure embryos as small as yours from precious little crown to cute little rump."  

Luckily, Week 7, which I'm up to now isn't that bad. It just refers to my little one as a "budding genius" which is 100% accurate.

1 comment:

  1. Haha! I thought I was the only one who was annoyed by the "What to Expect..." books. They have a lot of good information, but you have to weed through tons of extraneous crap to get to it.

    It's fine to be excited about expecting a new baby--but that doesn't mean you have to start speaking in cutesy-sweet metaphors. The other day, I was in a baby store and there were two new moms talking to their infants in the most saccharine voices I have ever heard. I seriously wanted to throw up when I witnessed this. Please shoot me if I ever talk to my baby like that.

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